Trigger Warning: Sexual harassment, molestation.
The #metoo movement was started in 2006 by Tarana Burke. The hashtag went viral in 2017 sparked by allegations of sexual harassment against Harvey Weinstein. It was followed by several hundreds of women coming out with their stories against men in extreme positions of power. That did mark a remarkable phase of awakening in the feminist movement. But the fact remains. Sexual harassment and rape has existed before that phase. It still exists when the hashtag has stopped trending. It is a reality of all women in the world. From homes to schools, colleges, workspaces, streets, no place is safe from sexual harassment and rape.
The enormity and horrific extent of the crisis is often trivialized. Here, is my effort to document a few of such stories that has happened to people around me. Reading these stories have shook me to the core but also the courage and resilience of voice of truth have inspired me immensely.
The following is the story of a survivor very close to me, a friend and sister. Her journey from trauma to self acceptance is truly moving. It took her one year to process and get over the trauma to come out with her story. It’s my least effort to try and amplify her story and make her voice louder through this article.
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“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
– Maya Angelou
It is hard when life blows you down in deepest pit holes of angst and trauma. It becomes difficult for one to believe in them and move forward. Such was my situation exactly a year ago. It is very difficult for me to forget this day and even more tedious to recall it because as I do, I am able to sense all the fear and numbness that I had experienced in those few minutes of absolute horror that scarred me for months.
It was a simple April evening, I was travelling in the metro returning to my PG from a workshop. It was 7 in the evening, I was hooked to music on earphones, the compartment was heavily crowded. After sometime I realised that a hand had creepily crouched on my shoulder and it was gradually moving downwards. While the unknown hand began groping me around my chest, I sensed something was being rubbed on my butt. I froze in complete silence, I sensed he was getting harder and he derived immense pleasure from my helplessness. I couldn’t move, not even whimper. It was after some good 20 seconds, a sense of rage and horror made me shriek in the compartment, I turned back to see a middle-aged man was flashing and had jerked off on me. Upon my shrieking the other passengers hovered up on him, by this time the metro reached a station. I don’t remember which station it was, all I knew I had to get out of there.
I was on a station, scandalized only to realize that there were stains on my pants. I was flabbergasted, devastated and traumatized. I sat down with tears rolling down my eyes but I couldn’t articulate my horror. I remember reaching PG late at 9 that day. I couldn’t share this incident to my roommates nor did I share it to my friends in college or my parents back home. I was so shook from the core that I couldn’t bring the incident in my conscious state of mind to even think about it. I kept it in me, decided to engage myself in activities.
This incident triggered me enough that I started behaving differently. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone; I would just cry in the bathroom, I started having nightmares. I always thought that someone would come from behind to grab me and I would stay in constant fear all day. I started having panic attacks pretty often. I merely existed and had given upon living. It triggered me enough to have suicidal tendencies.
Repression made me a difficult person. I wouldn’t say I was in complete denial of the situation, I just couldn’t come to terms with it and speaking about it would always remind me of the numbness. After 4 months of repressing it, I started feeling very lonely, sad and out of place from everywhere. I got distanced from some of my very close friends and this resulted in deep miscommunications and trivialities which eventually lead a lot of people to lose faith upon me. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience; I was understood as a ‘toxic element’. I was snapped out from a lot of lives whom I dearly loved and cared. I wouldn’t blame them much, I was difficult then.
It was the month of September 2019, I decided to take a step for myself. I started a new fresh beginning. . I took to serious therapy. My counsellor told me, “A therapy can just guide you, it’s your will that will take you to your stage of improvement, and Happiness does not lie in anybody else’s hand except for yours”. Those words engraved upon me. I took baby steps to improve. I started taking care of my health. I started taking meals regularly. I maintained a good 7hr sleep every day. I would get nightmares but the frequency gradually decreased, once I started the habit of reading some good articles or watching something funny on YouTube before sleeping. I started taking care of my body needs very nicely. A healthy body grows a healthy mind. The saying is actually true, I started feeling fit and good. I engaged myself in my passion. I love music, I started singing, I practiced my vocals regularly. I got back to art after many years. I started watching good films.I made myself productive by getting myself engaged in my college dept. affairs and my academics.
I noticed a change in myself; I was being able to concentrate well on my academic. I was told to maintain one habit where I could engage myself with nature, so I made sure that every evening I would definitely see the sunset over a cup of good coffee on the terrace. I made this as one of my habits in my daily routine. I incorporated these steps gradually in a span of one and a half month. I sensed a different change in me. All I knew, that I was feeling a little good day by day. My first sense of achievement was when I could open up to my counsellor , I remember I was shaking because of the horrifying yet mixed feelings had overwhelmed me. I came to terms with my conditions which made me aware of my senses more than it ever could.
My second achievement was when I took my first metro to Saket after 7 months of that incident.
It has now been a year to this incident, as I look back I see the evolution that I have witnessed in me. I took time to open up, nearly after 10 months I opened up this experience with my family and friends. In spite of not knowing the true reason behind my difficulties, my friends especially my Adda, my department buddies and my best friend had faith in me. My parents have been a constant support through all my difficult times and I am definitely indebted to them for their beautiful support. I always referred this past year as a Journey rather than a struggle and in this Journey I have learnt two very important life lessons
Firstly,the true of source of Happiness lies within us and it happens only when we accept ourselves in our very own nature of existence. My idea of self care emerged within me when I accepted myself with my flaws and wounds. My happiness comes with people I choose to be happy with.
Secondly, I learnt that People and Relationships change its course. Change is the only constant in life. A few handful will be by my side and most of them will leave or part ways but they become important lessons of one’s life which makes one a stronger, resilient version of themselves.
I am still learning a lot about myself and about the world. I am still healing but I know that I have come a long way from who I was in the past year. In conclusion I have come to this understanding that it doesn’t take to be a person of established status to be happy or become strong. Strength and happiness emerges from the most little and common things in life. As Keanu Reeves said, “Bad things will happen, that is non negotiable. What matters is how we deal them” . It is in the way we deal our own battles that make us strong, confident and Happy. Self care begins in acceptance and that my friends will lead to a blissful state of Happiness.
Aishee Banerjee
GENDER JUSTICE 2017 